When my boyfriend’s room-mate decided to go back to Ireland I thought it would be a great opportunity for us to move in together. I’ve been dropping hints like forever but when I eventually suggested the idea he said no because his mum would kill him if he ever lived with a woman without marrying her first. So I said why don’t we get married and he said he’s not ready to make that kind of commitment. Now he’s taken in a new room-mate to help him cover the rent. The problem is, her name is Inga and she’s Danish. She's stunning and I just found out she models lingerie for catalogues in her spare time to earn money for college (apparently she’s doing a course in archaeology at the University of Copenhagen and they’ve sent her over to spend a year at NYU). He didn’t even tell me until after she’d been living in the apartment for two weeks. When I called round yesterday, they were on their way to sunbathe on the roof - she was wearing a miniscule blue bikini and he was right behind her carrying sun oil and a cooler. I just can’t compete - if I wore a bikini in public I’d probably get deported. I know he’s about to dump me. What do you think I should do? Ursula, UES, Manhattan
She’s the one should be deported but short of turning her into the authorities, it looks like you will have to give in gracefully to the inevitable. Men, as we all know, are highly responsive to visual stimulation, particularly in the form of Danish models. Male hormones are what they are. So its very unlikely that your boyfriend will be able to resist the daily sight of this brazen bikini-wearing vixen. Let him have his little affair and use the opportunity to spend the next few months getting yourself in shape. (Perhaps if you had done so earlier, he might not have been so easily distracted in the first place). By the time she’s on the plane back to Denmark, you’ll have transformed yourself into a goddess. The shock will make him fall in love with you all over again and perhaps, having indulged the opportunity to stray, it will be out of his system once and for all, and he’ll be ready to settle down permanently.
Dear Kate:
I’ve been seeing this guy who is a lot younger than me. I’m 49 next week, and he’s just turned 23. He’s very mature for his age – he has a great job with a very large construction company. Not only that, but he can fix things around my apartment for 50% less than what I'd pay normally. I’m concerned because a few times when we’ve been out, people have mistaken him for my son. I suppose I should take this as a compliment because he’s very attractive but do you think twenty six years is too much of an age difference? Liz, Jackson Heights
Demi Moore may be able to get away with dating a man half her age because she has the resources to make herself look younger than he does. Unfortunately this law does not apply to women in Queens. The indisputable fact is: a young twentysomething boy on your forty-nine year old arm will only emphasize your diminishing looks whereas a distinguished fifty or sixty year old gentleman companion will automatically make you look younger - particularly if you wear make up and only go out in public after the sun goes down. If strangers are mistaking you for your boyfriend’s mother, you should either take the hint and start dating more appropriately or else use the money you save on laborer bills to invest in some drastic plastic surgery.
Dear Kate:
According to my girlfriend, there is more to life
than football and beer so for my last birthday she bought me season
tickets to the New York City Ballet in an attempt to introduce me to
some culture. To be perfectly honest, the thought of sitting in the
dark watching men jump about in tights is not my idea of a good night
out. If my mates find out they’ll never let me hear the end of it, but
if I refuse to go, she’ll make my life utter hell because “I never make
an effort to get involved in things she’s interested in.” How can I get
out of this?
Colin, Maspeth
You can't, so you may as
well make the most of it. Just think of ballet as a form of football
set to music and you’ll be fine. Football, unlike dance, is usually
seen as a very ‘masculine’ sport, yet what is it really? Muscular men
with beautifully formed legs in little shorts, running around a field
and demonstrating their ability to kick a small object in various
directions, or into a goal, without falling over. Ballet is not that
different, except that it usually takes place in a theatre, with an
orchestra, on a stage, and isn’t a competition. However, it does
involve similar, interesting challenges: square-jawed, muscular men
with beautifully formed legs showing us how they can lift women in the
air without dropping them. It's difficult to get much more masculine
than that. And remember, there is always a lot of simmering tension at
the ballet, so it can quickly turn into a very romantic experience for
both of you - which is never something likely to happen after a
mudfilled afternoon at the football club.
Dear Kate
The other day when we were watching Frasier a massive water-bug walked right across the floor in front of the television. When my boyfriend noticed, he screamed and ran out of the room with his hands in the air and refused to come back in until I had killed it. I’m terrified of bugs myself but even I was able to douse it with Raid from a safe perch on top of the sofa. When he returned, he started spluttering from the fumes, and in the end had to go home because he’s allergic to insecticide. I think its very important for men to protect their girlfriends from danger, not the other way around. What if that water-bug had been a mugger? What kind of boyfriend would run in the opposite direction when his girlfriend is about to be attacked and killed?
Trish, New York
A very sensible one, some would say. Survival of the fittest, Trish, that is what its all about. Of course, just because he is afraid of bugs does not mean he would shirk his duty to protect your honor if you were accosted in the street by a pistol packing wallet snatcher. It wasn’t as if the water-bug was ever going to kill you, and its actually a compliment that he felt relaxed enough with you to share his irrational and rather unmanly fear of insect life. Concentrate on his other strengths: perhaps he’s a wonderful cook; perhaps he doesn’t complain when you use his credit card to buy shoes. Or perhaps he’s not actually afraid of bugs at all, but was play-acting as a way of forcing you to confront your own fears – so not only is he a genius in the kitchen and generous with his money, but perceptive, clever and imaginative as well. You need to stop focusing on his one very minor and forgivable fault and start counting yourself lucky to have landed such a catch in the first place.
